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導言
最近，互動平臺的新聞部同工在編排近幾年華人社區綜合事件檢索時，無意發現2019年5月發生的一宗社會事件。該事件涉及政界要人的情感糾纏，女事主差一點墮樓輕生。涉事雙方至今還在法庭爭訟過程中。
該事件得以公開並引起各界驚動，因爲女事主在當年母親節發文傾吐心聲，文章在華文社交媒體迅播，據説還被禁封了。不曾想，這次搜索過程中發現了源出該文的英文版文章。
平臺的新聞部同工認爲有必要將這兩篇文章作爲CPACA特刊發表，賜惠社會各界有所瞭解2019年5月在華人社區發生過的一宗同情感有關的自殺未遂事件。
INTRODUCTION
Recently, the CPACA staffs who work in its editorial department accidently discovered a social incident that occurred in May 2019 when they were involved in compiling a chronicle of the events and incidents taking place in the Chinese community in recent years.
The incident involved an emotional affair of a political dignitary, and the female victim almost killed herself in attempt to jump off a high rise residential building. The parties involved are still in the process of court proceedings.
The incident was made public and aroused surprise from all walks of life because the female victim posted an article on Mother's Day that year, and the article was quickly published on Chinese social media, and it was said that it was banned shortly.
Unexpectedly, the English version of the article was found when the CPACA staffs work in compiling the chronicle
The CPACA considered that it is necessary to publish these two articles as the CPACA special edition, so as to give all sectors of society an understanding of an emotionally related suicide attempt that occurred in the Chinese community in May 2019.
Affections Prevail
By an anonimous person
It has been long. Several white-clad figures with a mask on the face are standing around her. Nurses are rushing in and out. They are still discussing constantly. She is not able to move, hardly breathing. Her blood pressure rises to 180-190. She does not have any idea how longer she could still be alive.
Still, she dares to challenge the fate because she had been born in the Maoist era in Red China. She is used to living with no fear or never surrendering herself. But now she feels that she has become a lamb on the altar at the mercy of the fate.
At this moment, she feels freed since she has accomplished the delivery. She is in illusion to be about to ascend to meet with Carl Marx in the heaven.
Actually, she admits that she herself is not such kind of one with staunch belief. As well, her man persuades her time and time again that she should not take faith in any belief because people do not have an afterlife.
Life is short and fleeting. People must cherish the present and capture anything available just in front of you. Do not give up anything valuable.
He is a man of science. He once said that so many phenomena that ordinary people are unable to explain can still be interpretable with scientific propositions. She takes faith in whatever he told her about because he says he is a scientist.
However, at this moment, she would really like to have a belief or something worth believing. Even if it says there was hell, it would be better something about incarnation than nothing.
By the way, she has been given a daughter now. When the lovely and delicate baby girl was shown to her, she held back the shaking body and choking breathing. She looked at this tiny cute flesh. She feels that all the toils and hardships she has endured have been paid off. She thinks that they are the toils and hardships other people have never chanced to endure through their life. Tears suddenly well up in her eyes.
She feels that she is so hopeless, and all her beliefs seem to run into despair. Shortly after the baby was taken out, when she was feeling relieved, the doctor in charge said that her uterus continued bleeding, and the bleeding did not stop. She was constantly on transfusion. To prepare her mind ready to meet with possibility of removing the uterus, she was advised so, with no consent of hers required.
At this moment, she keeps shaking and swaying, it is so persistently uncomfortable. Her son came over and placed his hands on her forehead, trying to help calm some tremors, telling her that his sister was fine and so lovely. Nobody but her son stays by her side.
Her body turns colder and colder, and she cannot hold it anymore. She makes noise verbally to let the doctor know about it. The nurse brings a blanket to cover her whole body, but the shaking becomes more and more frequent. She can hardly control her mind. She surrenders herself to shiver. Right now, the doctor puts himself on alert to deal with more sever danger. Her son is blocked from being by her side. The oxygen mask was put back on her mouth. She has a sheer sense of desperation. She is going to die.
Does she still have time to prepare a will? Aftermath, ah? She feels regretful. The normal performance of pregnancy claimed confidence for her to leave something to be prepared in future. Really, it had been worth committing confession to the parents and sister. Who is the father of the baby girl? She has been asked by her parents and sister several times. She refused to tell the truth by pretending to be annoyed.
She becomes shivering badly. She is aware of postpartum syndrome catching her. Later, she gets to know that it is preeclampsia, which is one of the four major syndromes causing a grave toll of after-giving-birth women.
At the moment, she cannot move at all, looking like a mummy wrapped with a plastic bag-like inflatable tube from neck to toes, and incessantly increasing the temperature to get her warming up. She feels better, but still uncomfortable. She can hardly breathe. Her whole body is still shaking out of control.
The doctor says that a second emergency surgery must be carried out within seconds. Right now, the anesthesiologist comes over and explains in her ear that the bleeding does not stop. Subsequently, the uterus would be cut off. The partial anesthesia is no longer efficient. She has to receive injection of anesthesia again.
Having another surgery, what if she did not awake? That new-born baby has not yet opened her eyes and neither taken a look of her mother. Then, the fate of life and death would separate the mother and daughter from heaven to netherworld.
She takes a deep breath and says to herself dominantly: You must hold on, hold on! You love this baby girl so much! For her sake, hold on! Consciousness is gradually blurring...
Alas, she feels exhausted. She needs to fall asleep. Perhaps, she just wants sleeping without awakening afterward.
It was last May. Without predictable preparation mentally, all a sudden, sort of evil humiliation overwhelmed her. She lost sleeping at bed, weeping through the night. She exhaustedly fatigued. She did not hold on but almost collapsed into pieces. Whenever she took up her eye sight to see, she saw nothing but him in mind.
At a moment, she was caught with a view that they buried each other in the arms and kissed. Though he murmured, she was attentively listening. He promised that he loves her and she does not need to be in fear, and that he protects her so that they would be soaked into dreaming on the honey moon. At another moment, she was caught with a view that a mumbling stranger was approaching. All a sudden, the stranger changed into a dreadful look taking prey of her to swallow her.
She was deadly eager to locate a place and recruit a manner to make her sleep forever. She started doing search on the Internet every day: What kind of manner of suicide-committing is less painful; what kind of tools to commit suicide is obtainable. Do not disturb others. Do not scare people around.
She lost herself with the severe syndromes of depression and bipolar disorder. However, he did not free her to see the doctor, but forced her to keep herself away from psychiatrists, calling them deceitful. He urged her to be more active and optimistic. He said that it would turn to be fine. He warned her not to speak to others.
She consulted concerned resource books on her own, and finally got to know that her case fell in the category called the smiling face syndrome, which tells that such a patient wears a pleasant appearance but in possession of a painful but bitter mind; even that the patient loses desire to confide in someone.
As well, she learned that there are 20 million or less of people around the world who attempt committing suicide every year, and she learned that women are five times more likely than men. With a sense of black humour, she drew an ugly smile and said to herself that she was not so lonely.
After musing about what might have been the best approach possible, she finally started carrying it out.
She is a senior real estate salesperson. To be honest, she is the vice president of a real estate broker company. She decided to jump off a high-rise residence building, climbing over a balcony. It could be spectacular. Having it in mind, she was laurelled with the self pride of accomplishment. When she did, people would come to pick up the pieces of her body right away on the spot.
Instead, she might have been finished on drugs. Her corpse might have been lying on the bed for months or into a year in absence of human attention though she had so many friends around. The house where she would have had committed suicide might not have received a good offer. Alas! What hell did she consider?
It is a gloomy weekend of May. She wakes up early, dresses neatly, and makes an unprecedented sumptuous breakfast with a sense of ritual. She is used to having no breakfast for decades. She sprays perfume on her before she leaves home.
The day before, she went to a downtown high-rise residence building for a preview. It was located at the lake shore. She nervously opened the door, taking a view of rooms one after another. She knows that the windows are installed not as fully opened. Thus, she purposely selected a unit that has a balcony.
In the washroom, she cleans her face and hands. In the bedroom, she spreads a bath towel she brings on the floor. She slumps on the towel, opens a Coke she also brings and takes a swig. Afterward, she takes out a pen and paper, which she also brings.
She hushes herself in a silent surrounding but quickly writes: Dear parents, your daughter cannot fulfill her filial piety, and she is leaving ahead of you. I have prepared the documents with help of a lawyer. Your living after I leave is well arranged. Both of you and Haizi, my son will be living on without difficulties.
She writes another paragraph to her son: Haizi, you are now a young adult and will complete your studies next year. Mom hopes that you can be self-reliant, self-disciplined, and self-sufficient. And frequently to visit your grandparents. It is sad that mom cannot overcome those sleepless nights. Mom is gone. Mom will always be watching you from the heaven. To be strong, my son. Please love your mom forever.
Foreseeing his unfathomable sorrow of losing his mother, she reprimands herself with the bleeding broken heart of a mother. When she comes to realize that he already started his independent life on campus two years before, the mother feels a bit at ease though she pleads guilty in conscience. Life is no more appreciable than to seek death.
She began to pray for her parents and son, sister and niece, among friends. Finally, it came to his turn! She hoped that he should have a promising career and good health. He should no longer regard her as a burden. Would he drop tears when he hears her gone? She recalls that she saw him crying two times.
Once in the early days of their relationship, he dropped tears when she persisted that she could not bear to wait so long. Otherwise, they ended the relationship though he swore his promise. He stayed in a hurry. Tears, his tears rolled down his cheeks. The next time when she told him that she was to bid a farewell toward the city to heal physical wounds and mental hurt since she lived and worked under pressure of humiliation year in and year out. He pleaded for her not to go. Do not leave him! His tears welled up. He wiped them off. He did not mind behaving so in front of those eyes around. They were in a big event. He became a public person in the lime light – She contributed to his current-being.
She slides open the glass door. She walks out of illusions. She walks into the balcony. She walks into the sunshine. The sunlight stabs her eyes. She shut the eye lids to prevent its beaming. Her body feels the radiation of the solar warmth. Instantly, she is drawn back into his arms, into his body warmth. She dreams that she was lying in his bosom listening to his sweet whisper: I love you, love you forever!
She stretches her upper body over the rail watching downward. She feels dizzy and cold. She knows it is the sense of fear. Then, she asks herself if she was dreaming of flying in her childhood. Aspiring to become a pilot. Be brave! Isn’t it an ever-cherished wish?
It is just a matter of a few seconds, and all is over when it is over. It will not be that painful, anyhow.
She moves her body and watches downward again. There is a lot of traffic down below in the street, and Lake Ontario lies far-reaching. There are yachts and ships on the lake.
One hand holding the rail and the other hand grasping the corner, she feels so great as if she commits a grand return, feeling proud and resolute. She obsesses a sense of greeting a big cheerio. To be emancipated, no sorrow to be claimed, after all, she is entering another world!
Will he dare to see her at a final chance? Will he be attending her memorial service? What will he tell about their relationship? Oh, no! What is the time? Does she still care how he behaves? Does she die for his good? No, it is for her good. Because she really cannot stand it anymore. That is all.
She raises her one leg and steps out. As she extends her upper body over the rail, she closes her eyes and inhales deeply. Then, she holds. A bloody scene flashes in her brain. It must a chaotic spot after her body crashes on the ground. He must cry into tears when he sees it. She believes that he must still care about her.
To her surprise, she finds the answer to those previous questions. He will attend her memorial service. She used to be his assistant and supporter in his office. From every reason, he has to be there. Those who know both of them consider that she has built up his current-being.
At this moment, she is frozen over the rail now that he would lose control of his emotion in front of the media in case that he has him photographed at her memorial service. Against her will, her death would damage his current-being. It is whatsoever she does not want to see.
Why did not she think of it before? She as well visions the gray-haired parents and her son catching up with her.
She stuns and benumbs. Time solidifies. Through a long while of silence, she bursts into tears. She collapses on the balcony floor, creeps back into the unit. She began to let cry aloud. After a while, she suddenly hears noise from outside. She is on alert if there might be other visits to the unit. She hurriedly picks up the stuff and leaves. She encounters passers-by along the hallway, but embarrasses to utter a Hello.
She enters her car and drives away. She let tears roll over her cheeks. She does not understand if there are so many tears she can cry before she weeps to her dry eyes.
美篇
2019.05.13 俞荧 阅读 1419
母爱无疆-愿母亲们母亲节快乐
时间好长啊，几个的白色人影戴着口罩围着自己，一个个护士急急忙忙地进进出出，他们还在不断地讨论，月秋无力的瘫在急救床上，像一只抽尽了丝的蚕，一动也动不得，呼吸困难，血压上升到180-190，她不知道还能活多久。也许是生在毛的年代，又努力生活着，所以她经常都觉得事在人为，人定胜天，可现在她却变成了任命运摆布的羔羊，这时已经觉得完成了生产的使命，就快要到马克思那里报到去了。
可是她又不是有坚定信仰的人，他也是如此经常规劝她的，他让她不要相信任何信仰，因为人不会有来生的，人生短暂，稍纵即逝，要珍惜当下，要抓住而不要错过难得的东西，因为他是学科学的，说很多常人不能解释的现象一般还是能在科学里找到答案，因为他说他是科学家，所以他说什么她一直都信他。
可这时她却很希望能够有个信仰什么的，哪怕有地狱，起码自己还有机会从地狱里重生，自己一辈子做了无数善事也热心帮助过许多人，再靠自己的努力和非凡的能力，从地狱里改造升级去天堂里看望想看到的儿子，对了，她又有女儿了，刚才那个可爱秀气的女儿抱过来给自己看的时候，她可是忍住颤抖和呼吸的不适，好好地打量了这个可爱的红红的小东西，那一刹那，她觉得自己受过的那些苦都得到了回报，那可是他人一辈子都不曾承受的苦和难啊，眼泪顿时蒙住了双眼。
她觉得自己是那么孤助无援，所有的信念这时好像荡然无存，孩子取出后不久，正感如释重负的时候，主刀医生说她的子宫一直在流血，而且血止不住，不断地在输血。让她做好思想准备需要摘除子宫，她不知道该说什么，好像医生不是征求意见，也不需要签字，只是通知她，而这时的她不停地颤抖，打摆子似的，好难受啊，儿子不时过来把手放到她的头上，想帮着镇定住一些颤抖，告诉她妹妹很好，这时她的身边只有儿子了。
身体越来越冷，快坚持不住了，她告诉了医生，护士拿来了毯子盖住了整个身体，可是抖得却越来越厉害了，她几乎控制不了思维了，她不得不再次哆嗦地告诉了医生，这时医生已经意识到更大的危险，这时儿子也不让进来了，氧气罩又带到了口上，可是她更加绝望了，她已经知道快不行了，是不是要交代一下后事啊？
好后悔啊，怀孕期间的正常表现让自己充满了信心，真应该留一份遗书，好好交代一下，直到现在爸爸妈妈妹妹们都不知道孩子的来历，谁是她的父亲啊？他们问过，被她决然回避了，看到她的愠色，或者是难色，他们也再也不敢问了。
哆嗦得厉害，她以前看过的这是产后综合征，她为生这个孩子做过大量的研究和了解工作，知道了不少信息，后来在出院时才知道是先兆子痫，台湾明星大S生产就是这样，非常恐怖，是生孩子死亡的四大病症之一，死亡率极高。
这时的她一动也不能动地像一个木乃伊一样被用一个塑料袋样子的充气薄膜从脖子到脚全部包了起来，再不断猛加热。感觉好了一些，可是还是很难受啊，气透不过来，全身还是在猛烈抖动，医生说要马上实施第二次抢救，这时麻醉师又过来在她耳边解释说，因为血还是止不住，需要拿掉子宫了，这时实施的半麻已经不行了，需要再次注射麻醉剂，马上要给她实施全身麻醉，又要做手术了，她要是醒不过来怎么办？
那个刚出世的还没有完全睁开双眼的婴儿，还没有见一眼母亲的面母女就要阴阳相隔了？她打了一个大大的寒颤，啊，不能，绝对不能！自己日夜期待的宝贝就这样失之交臂了？这个苦命的孩子！心好痛啊，为了这个宝贝，她的孕期每时每刻都牵挂着揪心地想着她，大量的研究和准备远远百倍超过了当初孕育儿子的过程，这次她在十月怀胎的整个过程里才深深地体会到了母亲的伟大，她敢说自己更加伟大，因为不仅除了必要的事务之外几乎自己的每时每分都花在了研究和准备迎接这个小生命的过程里，还因为52岁的高龄承受了常人和其她母亲难以想象的困难和不适。她深吸了一口气，对自己坚定地说：你，一定要挺住，挺住！好爱这个孩子啊！为她，也要坚持住！意识逐渐模糊了.......
唉，好累呀，她需要睡了，就这么一直睡下去，这似乎不是自己曾经特别想要的吗？那是去年的五月，没有思想准备突如其来受到的伤害和屈辱让自己实在坚持不下去了，天天睡不着，一直哭，整夜流泪，很累很累，感觉受不了了。睁眼就见到了过去的他，一会儿好甜蜜甜蜜地相拥相吻，说爱她什么也别怕，他会保护她，会永远和她在一起，就想一直就沉睡在温柔乡之中，一会儿面目陌生，是一个奇怪人在呢喃，突然又变得狰狞，想要吃了自己，好想找一个地方沉沉地睡下去，直到永远.
她开始天天在网上搜索，什么样的自尽痛苦少，什么样的自尽工具容易得到，不会打搅到他人，不要惊悚到周围的人，那时的她开始进入了深度的忧郁症和躁郁症，他不让她去看医生，让她不要相信这些东西和骗人的心理医生，让她积极一些就不会忧郁了，他不让她和别人说，她只能自己研究，知道自己得了的是微笑型抑郁症，在外表是看不出来的阳光，内心却痛苦得要死，不能与人分享，常常莫名地发火，几分钟前后能判若两人，为了他，一直压抑着压抑着。
也是那时她了解到全世界每年有不到二千万的人口试图自杀，而且女性发生比率是男性的五倍，顿时觉得自己不是那么孤独了。想过所有的自杀方式后，她终于开始实施了.
她还是一个资深的地产经纪，确切地说是地产公司的副总裁，她想从高楼上一跃而下，那一定会很壮观，还会有成就感，很快也会有人来收尸，不像自己在家中死亡后也许半年几个月的都不会引起人们的注意的，尽管有那么多的朋友，可是在家自杀的房子也会卖不掉的，唉，死了还想这些干嘛！在海外那么久，平时如此之忙的人，也没有觉得有什么人和事离不开自己啊。
那是五月的一个阴沉的周末，她早早地起来，穿戴整齐后，很有仪式感地破天荒地做了份丰盛的早餐，要知道她是几十年来在家都不吃早饭的，临出发前还喷了一点香水。
前一天定了去downtown高层公寓看房，这是一个面向湖水的高层，月秋紧张地打开了房门，空着的，一股打扫后的人工刻意喷洒的淡淡的香味散发在房间的各个角落，看了每一间屋子，她知道加拿大的公寓窗户玻璃是不能全部打开的，所以特地挑了一间有阳台的单元。
她在洗手间把脸和手洗了又洗，在卧室里铺上了带来的浴巾，月秋一屁股瘫坐在地上，将带来的一听可乐打开猛地喝了一口，掏出了笔纸快速地写了起来：亲爱的爸妈，女儿不能尽孝，走在了你们的前面，我已经在律师那里做好文件，已安排好了你们的生活，你们和海子都会生活无忧的。
她又给儿子写了一段：海子，你已经成人，明年将完成学业，妈妈希望你能自立向上，调整好生活规律，安排妥自己的生活，经常去看看爷爷奶奶（从小为了顺口一直让海子将外公外婆叫做爷爷奶奶的），妈妈整天睡不着很难过，妈妈走了，但是会一直在天上看着你，好好的！永远爱你的妈妈。想到没有了妈妈的海子会如何伤心啊，好在他已经在大学独自生活了两年多了。心里还是非常惭愧，但是想到一直觉得活着不比死了好就稍加心安了。
为儿子爸爸妈妈妹妹侄女周围的好友们都祈祷了一遍，最后到他了，希望他能事业顺顺利利，身体健健康康，不再把现今的她当作是累赘，她走了他会哭吗？看见过他两次哭过。
一次是相恋初期她觉得要等那么久实在忍受不了，尽管他解释是阶段性的别人要求这样做的，过了这个阶段就会完全处理好，但她还是接受不了，也不管当初接受了他在不懈追求她的时候对他自己现状的陈述和对她的承诺，她提出不愿意再继续下去，他解释了半天她还是难以接受，情急之下他留下了眼泪，她是最看不得男人流泪的，话说“男儿有泪不轻弹”，而且是自己喜爱的男人，后来听信了他的再次保证即言归于好了。
还有一次是他地位发生变化了之后没几天变了卦，她想离开这个城市来缓解难以抑制的伤痛和心痛，他在饭店餐桌上不顾周围有他人又眼红失声恳求不要离开他，他悲伤地擦去了眼角流下的眼泪，她实在看不下去，勉强答应暂不离开......。
可现在已经不同了，他已经顾不上她了，他是那么地不同，自己又是那么地微小不重要也不值一顾。细细梳理了一遍想好的程序，推开了阳台门， 一片耀眼的阳光照到了全身，双眼被刺得张不开，一下子晕晕乎乎，几天没有睡的脑子里出现了幻觉，觉得暖洋洋的是火炉边，好瞌睡，想起了睡在他怀里的感觉，他环抱着她，在她耳边细语：我爱你，永远爱你！
她趴在栏杆上附身探望，只觉得高得晕眩，一阵寒颤袭来，她知道是恐惧，转念一想小时候不是一直做飞翔的梦吗？立志做个飞行员，从来不曾有恐高的呀，勇敢点，这不是想了好久的夙愿吗？就是几秒钟的事，完了一切就了结了，也没有那么痛苦了，自己不是已经尝尽了人生百味吗？
一生是那么长，长得没有必要。她调整了姿势又往下看了看，车水马龙的临街，不远处是一望无际的安大略湖，湖面泛舟，一直想和他一起坐船，还没有过.
这时她的一只手开始紧紧抓住铁栏杆，另一只手抓紧了水泥阳台的边角，感到像喝了酒一样毅然决然，充满了豪情，今天，要尝试一件从没有做过的事情，心里有些新鲜和刺激，马上就要解脱了，怎么没有了悲伤呢，毕竟要去另外一个世界了！
他敢来看自己吗？会参加追悼会吗？以什么身份呢？月秋啊月秋，这个时候还想什么呢？你还在乎他以什么身份啊？你死了不就是为了成就他吗？也不是，是自己实在熬不下去了，也都是，自己以往不是为了他可以去死吗？现在为什么不呢？
想到这里，什么也不去想了，就抬起腿和身子往外跨去，当半个身子出去时，她闭上了眼睛，定了定神，想了想摔烂在地下的血腥场面，突然觉得他一定会哭，因为他对自己一定还是很在乎，在这里死了他一定会参加葬礼的，从礼节上他一定要出席的，她作为前员工和鼎力支持者，许多人也都知道是她成就了他，那她的最后入殓的仪容一定非常可怕，一定会吓着他，他一容颜大失，被记者拍去，那就会影响到他的前途，这可不是她愿意看到的。
那她不就白死了？她感到一惊，以前怎么没有想到啊？这时又想到白发苍苍的父母，儿子那里还没有好好交代一下他以后的生活和道路，突然，她不动了，她悲痛地迸发出了眼泪，这一天一夜都没有哭过，这时都流了出来，半天，她翻身下来爬进了屋子，她开始放声大哭，哭了半响，突然听见屋外有声音，她意识到可能有别的客人来看房子，她匆匆拎起了浴巾和包飞快地离开了，看见来人还红着眼睛不好意思应了句“Hello”就上了车，一路上嚎啕大哭了起来。都已经哭干了眼泪的她怎么还有那么多的泪水啊。
2022 - 05 - 19; Toronto Ontario